Trust was the topic of the third exercise in Chrissy Foreman Cranitch’s ‘Color with feelings’ (21 secrets: Color, Color, Color).
During the meditation prompt, I had a strong sense of muslin cloth against my skin. My daughter carried one with her for many years as a comforter, edged with yellow. I imagined trust as an experience of being cradled in that muslin, like a hammock swaying beneath a big old tree.
The background is ink and water. Top layer is collage and oil pastels.
It’s something about wanting more trust in my capacity for self-trust, freedom from craving to be understood and valued by other people, tenderness for my body’s memories, vulnerable acknowleging old wounds. Trust in trust itself.
Seeing and cradling that wound, whenever it opens, brings present peace.
It would be wonderful to always be understood and received joyfully by others. Intellectually, I know I no longer need that reassurance from outside of me. As a child, my life depended on being understood. As an adult, it’s a ‘nice to have’ … and it costs me dearly if reassurance from others comes at the expense of being true to my own feelings and needs. But oh how it aches sometimes: a hollow between my ribs that wants unconditional acceptance.
Swaddling that, holding it. Loyalty to myself, unconditional gentleness in all circumstances … That’s the trust I hope to grow.